Today marked two months since our sweet little Avery's passing. We went up to the cemetery today as a family and put flowers on her headstone which was finally set about a week ago. It was overwhelming and completely surreal seeing our little girl's name on that piece of stone. The question that I get a lot is, "has it gotten any easier?" To that I answer...not at all...not for me. Mike and I have conversations about her daily, and for him, time has taken away a decent part of the pain. He still thinks about her often, and of course has his fair share of bad days, but he seems to be handling life pretty well from my perspective. Me on the other hand, I'm going to take a decent amount of work and I think a lot of time.
More than ever, I have a profound appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and for the restoration of the Priesthood. If I didn't have the knowledge of the Savior's Atonement and his promise of a resurrection, I think life would be so sad. There would be absolutely no hope. I don't know that I would find much to look forward to, and I think the pain of losing Avery would be unbearable if it weren't for the Priesthood and the sealing power that binds us together as a family for eternity. Because of the knowledge I have of those priceless gifts, the acute sting of Avery's passing has indeed subsided, and for that I am grateful (and functional for that matter). While the sting has settled, I still live everyday with a kind of numbness and a dull pain that seems to follow me everywhere I go. I still just kind of stick to my little familyand keep myself occupied with my girls so that people don't see the tears or sadness in my face. I could never have imagined the potency of the void in our home without her. Oh how I miss my baby girl and whish I could feel her little fingers wrapped around mine. I'm sure life will get easier when I am ready to let go of some of the pain, but I don't think I am quite yet. Having said that, I continue to look forward to the day where we can pick up where we left off. I know that day will come, probably not soon enough, but I know it will.
11 comments:
Healing is different for everyone. Nothing in particular is expected of you on that front. Let it run it's course.
Although we do miss seeing you around more :)
The headstone turned out beautiful. I wish I could take away the hurt that you still feel everyday, but I know I can't. Remember there are so many prayers going up for your familly. We all love you so much and we too can't wait to see Baby Ave again.
I agree with Laura C. There's no statute of limitations regarding grief. Thank heaven your best friend is your husband! I can't think of anything that would bring more peace than knowing that your significant other is there for you, even when you've been having, what I call, the "ugly cry." This is the cry that crinkles your face, makes your nose run and turn red; the cry that puts those permanent and so called 'laugh lines' (which I think is just a creative way of saying you look old but you've enjoyed life) on your face, and gives you the worst kind of headache. I hate the ugly cry. I try to avoid the public as well when I feel like expressing the 'ugly cry.' So hang in there. I can't say that I know anything of what you're going through, but I care about you. Maybe if you feel the 'ugly cry' coming on you can have the 'ugly laugh.' This is a fake laugh that contorts your face, and I promise you that if you do it in front of a mirror, the ugly cry goes away and you find yourself laughing so hard you're practically hiccuping.
I'm laughing as I think about the 'ugly laugh.' In all seriousness though, just keep doing what you're doing. Keep putting one foot forward like you said, count your blessings, and avoid all future comments from me. Sometimes I have no idea that I'm going to be writing an epilogue:)
Love ya
My heart aches whenever I even think of you and what you must be going through. But I, too, am so grateful for the Atonement of our Savior, the resurrection and the hope and peace that is felt in the mere thought of our Savior's name. He makes life happy and hopeful and good. Thanks for sharing your testimony Laura. I am always uplifted by you.
I never know what to comment laura I feel my words aren't good enough but know I think about you often and send my love your way. Hang in there.
Laura,
We think of you guys often and miss seeing you around more. Cade still says "please bless the Bouck's" in his prayers at night. Every time he says that I cry a little for you. I know there is so much you don't feel up to doing and we all understand. I know your little Avery is happy where she is and wishes she could make you feel better. We love you.
Her headstone is beautiful!
Mike and Laura,
AVery's headstone is absolutely amazing and beautiful....just as you both are and your girls (all 3). My "sting" has not left and I cannot wait for the day it does. It is hard to enjoy life and my family the way I should with that feeling. I am so glad your's has lessoned as I hope it continues to do so for us both.
I have to see Faith's pediatrician on Tuesday, who I have not seen since before Faith's surgery. I am so scared to walk in there and I don't want them to see the pain in my eyes. I completely relate to that. I am not sure we will ever not have some of that pain in our eyes, but I am sure they will start to brighten in time and we will learn how to live with it and find our "new" happiness.
Faith loved babies and I tell her everyday to play with Avery. When I water my flowers, almost everyday I see a yellow butterfly. I feel like it is Faith coming to say hello. One day, I was thinking of Faith and Avery and two yellow butterflies came to my flowers, one a bit bigger than the other. I thought I would pass that on to you. I would love to think it was confirmation Faith is playing with her!
Take care of yourself and remember that I am here for you, as well.
Shelly Duarte
Oh dear Laura... I am so sad for you. And you don't have to let go to the pain until you're ready to-- it's your connection to her life. I feel like time makes grief better and worse-- yes, the immediate sting will eventually fade, but then the distance between you and her life grows. I wish I could comfort you perfectly...
My heart is with you and your family...
Love,
Becca
Laura,
You might not know me, but I am Cari Jackson's old mission companion, and I have heard so much about you I feel like I know you. I found your blog today through Cari's and I just want to let you know that you and your sweet little family are in my prayers and thoughts. My heart aches for you and your loss, and I pray that the spirit will bouy you up and comfort you during this most trying time.
Rachael Bishop
Laura, I love you and have been thinking about you tons. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Thank goodness for the eternal perspective we have. I don't know how people are able to cope without it. Such peace in that knowledge. Know how much you are loved and cared for during this difficult time.
Love ya,
Heather
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