What just happened?

So I was laying on the couch the other day thinking about life and about all that happened recently in our lives and then I realized that it was the end of October. WHAT!!!??? Where have the days gone? I obviously haven't blogged in some time, but it's not for lack of activities or events. On the contrary, we have been so busy, my head is still spinning. Here are some highlights of the last two months.


The Air Show.


Sleeping uncomfortably (or maybe comfortably...who knows).

Apple Hill...of course.

Pumpkin patch. I promise there were pumkins there.

Disneyland. You will not see Kate in any of the pictures with the characters unless I am holding her because...well...you know Kate. Kara on the other hand, had a blast with the characters.

Newport Beach. The girls loved playing in the sand.

The sun and redheads aren't a good mix...but what does she know?

The beaches in Newport Beach were absolutely georgeous!

Last but not least...what is Disneyland without catching the Swine Flu?

Daddy's new calling

So after three years of serving in two bishoprics, Mike was released today. Kate was 1 1/2 when we started sitting by ourselves during church. So, last week we told the girls that daddy was getting a new calling. I overheard Kate trying to explain to Kara what daddy's new calling is.

Kate: Guess what Kara?
Kara: What Kate?
Kate: Do you know that daddy got a new job at chuch?
Kara: yeah, I do Kate (she is clueless by the way).
Kate: Isn't it so fun that daddy's new job in church will be sitting with us? Won't that be fun? He even gets to ride in our car with us to church. I can't wait! Won't that be so fun Kara? Aren't you so excited Kara?
Kara: yeah Kate, it will.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that Mike was able to serve where he has been, and our family has been so blessed, but we're sure excited for daddy's new calling!

Summer Fun

We went rafting over the Labor day weekend and had a great time. I don't think I've smiled that much in a really long time.

A few weeks ago the girls and I headed to Tahoe with Cari and Camille. We had such a good time swimming and shopping and just doing girl stuff.

The girls at the beach. Did I ever mention that I've got the good job?

1st day of Preschool

Under anyone else's expectations, Kate's first day of preschool would probably be classified a set-back, but for us it was a success. I only had to wait with her for 30 minutes and she only cried once! That my friends, is a triumph. I am a firm believer in bribing my children, and for us, it works beautifully. And so we had a good day. Hopefully, she'll be able to come out of her shell and make some new friends...here's to hoping.

The day started out with smiles.I had to bribe her just to hang her back pack up. She clung to my leg for the better part of half an hour.

5 months

I stopped writing a lot about Avery and my feelings towards losing her for numerous reasons. The first being, it is a very personal and sacred issue. That's not to say that I don't want to share my feeling about her with people, but posting it for the world to see is a little different. Also, I tend to be a little more private, and it's hard for me to let people see too far into my struggles and pain. Consequently, I post little about my feelings, but I've diverted those thoughts into letters to Avery. They're more of an outlet for me and they've become my means of a journal. Wednesday, Avery would be 5 months old. I know 5 months doesn't seem like much of a milestone to most, but for us there are two days out of the months that hit us hard. On the 19th of every month, we think how old she would be and wish we had her with us, and on the 5th of every month, we gage how long we have been without her. I tend to write my letters to her on those days.
I am grateful to all those who are so concerned for us. Thank you for loving my family so much. I decided to post my latest letter to Avery because I've been told I'm hard to read and I know that friends and family probably want an honest update, besides the typical, "I'm fine."


Dear Avery,
Today you would be five months old. If things had turned out how we had all anticipated, I’m sure I would still be complaining about being up with you all night and how tired I am all the time. I’d probably be complaining about how much you still pooped or spit up and because of that, how much extra laundry I am doing. I know I would be complaining about having to feed you all the time and how inconvenient it is when we’re out of the house. I’m sure I’d be tired of asking Kate and Kara to wash their hands all the time before touching you and then carrying you around the house like you were their doll. I’m sure I would be frustrated about not having enough hands to make sure that everyone crosses the street safely. But as you and I both know, our journey has taken a very different path. Perspective has changed. I wish I was tired from being up all night with you. I wish I was frustrated from you fussing because you were teething. I wish it were hard to go on an outing with 3 little kids. I wish you were annoyed all day by your sisters’ hugs and kisses. But in God’s infinite wisdom, which I know to be perfect, and his divine love, which I believe to be deeper that I can ever imagine, we have not been afforded those luxuries right now. There are so many things that are still confusing and frustrating about what happened, but the knowledge and faith that you were sent to us and were taken from us by divine design is not one of them. I’m still confused about why there had to be so many complications and why you had to lay on that little bed for 5 weeks without anyone being able to hold you. I hope you knew that we were there with you…everyday…all day. I hope you knew that it was us who was rubbing your head, squeezing your hands, and kissing wherever we could that wasn’t covered with tape and tubes. My heart still breaks whenever I see new babies being born and their sibling being so proud of their new little baby brother or sister. I see them hug them and kiss them, and it breaks my heart to know that your sisters don’t get to do that right now. It just doesn’t seem right. Your memory sure isn’t forgotten around here though. Your sisters fight almost daily about what is yours and what is theirs. Kate is always asking if you will do this or that, or wear this or that when we’re with you again. They talk about going swimming with you and want to make sure that you wear the same swimsuit they did when they were a baby. I hope they get the chance to do that with you some day.
Sometimes I laugh at myself thinking how pathetic I must look to you. I’m sure you’re laughing thinking, ‘pull yourself together mom!’ It’s just hard to keep the right perspective all the time. I know it shouldn’t be, but such is life right? But every once in a while, when my mind is clear and the Spirit is near, I understand perfectly that we are the lucky ones. You were larger than life and we were the ones that got you, no matter how short the time, and we will be with you forever. You were sent to be with us, and because of you, our lives have changed and we are better. Thank you for teaching me all that you have and for continuing to teach me everyday. Thank you for teaching me the purity and power of the human spirit. Because of you, I will be better. I love you.

Mom

Family Reunions

Our family has been able to escape real life for the past few weeks which has been a WELCOMED change. We spent a week up in Idaho, Island Park, and Yellowstone with Mike's family. We nicely fit 30+ of us into a fun cabin in Island Park where we enjoyed waterfalls, river rafting, hiking, sleeping, campfires, and lots and lots of kids running around. Then we headed up to Yellowstone where we were able to enjoy the incredible sights of that park. We had a blast. One thing that I learned (or maybe just confirmed) is that I LOVE wildlife...from a distance... and in a car. If I don't have something between me and the bears...count me out!

After Mike's family reunion, we headed up to my parent's house where the fun continued. We spent hours in the pool and playing with cousins. The kids had fun on tractor rides, tie-dying, playing badminton , and roasting s'mores around the campfire. We also headed to Santa Rosa and Bodega Bay where we enjoyed the stinky sea weed and really fun tide pools. The kids loved finding all the little sea creatures. All in all, it was exactly what we (especially me) needed. Now back to reality...uhh, do I have to?


Big, fat, ugly Bison. These things were all over the place.

Sisterly love in front of a beautiful waterfall.

Okay, it's the first day and we're already tired of pictures. The landscape in Northern Idaho is absolutely breathtaking. The big tree kind of got in the way.

We had a great time at the Wolf/Grizzly discovery museum. Confirmed...enjoyable if massive animals are confined behind large fences.

Old Faithful.

Our fun cabin in Island Park.

Mike giving his first driving lesson.

Girls just hanging out in the hot tub. What's a vacation without a hot tub?

Hermit crabs in the tide pools. You can see he's starting to come out. What you don't see is that one second after this picture he was flat on his back on the sand. There was no way Kate was letting that little thing crawl on her.

Kara like the crabs crawling on her.

2 months

Today marked two months since our sweet little Avery's passing. We went up to the cemetery today as a family and put flowers on her headstone which was finally set about a week ago. It was overwhelming and completely surreal seeing our little girl's name on that piece of stone. The question that I get a lot is, "has it gotten any easier?" To that I answer...not at all...not for me. Mike and I have conversations about her daily, and for him, time has taken away a decent part of the pain. He still thinks about her often, and of course has his fair share of bad days, but he seems to be handling life pretty well from my perspective. Me on the other hand, I'm going to take a decent amount of work and I think a lot of time.

More than ever, I have a profound appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and for the restoration of the Priesthood. If I didn't have the knowledge of the Savior's Atonement and his promise of a resurrection, I think life would be so sad. There would be absolutely no hope. I don't know that I would find much to look forward to, and I think the pain of losing Avery would be unbearable if it weren't for the Priesthood and the sealing power that binds us together as a family for eternity. Because of the knowledge I have of those priceless gifts, the acute sting of Avery's passing has indeed subsided, and for that I am grateful (and functional for that matter). While the sting has settled, I still live everyday with a kind of numbness and a dull pain that seems to follow me everywhere I go. I still just kind of stick to my little familyand keep myself occupied with my girls so that people don't see the tears or sadness in my face. I could never have imagined the potency of the void in our home without her. Oh how I miss my baby girl and whish I could feel her little fingers wrapped around mine. I'm sure life will get easier when I am ready to let go of some of the pain, but I don't think I am quite yet. Having said that, I continue to look forward to the day where we can pick up where we left off. I know that day will come, probably not soon enough, but I know it will.