5 months

I stopped writing a lot about Avery and my feelings towards losing her for numerous reasons. The first being, it is a very personal and sacred issue. That's not to say that I don't want to share my feeling about her with people, but posting it for the world to see is a little different. Also, I tend to be a little more private, and it's hard for me to let people see too far into my struggles and pain. Consequently, I post little about my feelings, but I've diverted those thoughts into letters to Avery. They're more of an outlet for me and they've become my means of a journal. Wednesday, Avery would be 5 months old. I know 5 months doesn't seem like much of a milestone to most, but for us there are two days out of the months that hit us hard. On the 19th of every month, we think how old she would be and wish we had her with us, and on the 5th of every month, we gage how long we have been without her. I tend to write my letters to her on those days.
I am grateful to all those who are so concerned for us. Thank you for loving my family so much. I decided to post my latest letter to Avery because I've been told I'm hard to read and I know that friends and family probably want an honest update, besides the typical, "I'm fine."


Dear Avery,
Today you would be five months old. If things had turned out how we had all anticipated, I’m sure I would still be complaining about being up with you all night and how tired I am all the time. I’d probably be complaining about how much you still pooped or spit up and because of that, how much extra laundry I am doing. I know I would be complaining about having to feed you all the time and how inconvenient it is when we’re out of the house. I’m sure I’d be tired of asking Kate and Kara to wash their hands all the time before touching you and then carrying you around the house like you were their doll. I’m sure I would be frustrated about not having enough hands to make sure that everyone crosses the street safely. But as you and I both know, our journey has taken a very different path. Perspective has changed. I wish I was tired from being up all night with you. I wish I was frustrated from you fussing because you were teething. I wish it were hard to go on an outing with 3 little kids. I wish you were annoyed all day by your sisters’ hugs and kisses. But in God’s infinite wisdom, which I know to be perfect, and his divine love, which I believe to be deeper that I can ever imagine, we have not been afforded those luxuries right now. There are so many things that are still confusing and frustrating about what happened, but the knowledge and faith that you were sent to us and were taken from us by divine design is not one of them. I’m still confused about why there had to be so many complications and why you had to lay on that little bed for 5 weeks without anyone being able to hold you. I hope you knew that we were there with you…everyday…all day. I hope you knew that it was us who was rubbing your head, squeezing your hands, and kissing wherever we could that wasn’t covered with tape and tubes. My heart still breaks whenever I see new babies being born and their sibling being so proud of their new little baby brother or sister. I see them hug them and kiss them, and it breaks my heart to know that your sisters don’t get to do that right now. It just doesn’t seem right. Your memory sure isn’t forgotten around here though. Your sisters fight almost daily about what is yours and what is theirs. Kate is always asking if you will do this or that, or wear this or that when we’re with you again. They talk about going swimming with you and want to make sure that you wear the same swimsuit they did when they were a baby. I hope they get the chance to do that with you some day.
Sometimes I laugh at myself thinking how pathetic I must look to you. I’m sure you’re laughing thinking, ‘pull yourself together mom!’ It’s just hard to keep the right perspective all the time. I know it shouldn’t be, but such is life right? But every once in a while, when my mind is clear and the Spirit is near, I understand perfectly that we are the lucky ones. You were larger than life and we were the ones that got you, no matter how short the time, and we will be with you forever. You were sent to be with us, and because of you, our lives have changed and we are better. Thank you for teaching me all that you have and for continuing to teach me everyday. Thank you for teaching me the purity and power of the human spirit. Because of you, I will be better. I love you.

Mom

Family Reunions

Our family has been able to escape real life for the past few weeks which has been a WELCOMED change. We spent a week up in Idaho, Island Park, and Yellowstone with Mike's family. We nicely fit 30+ of us into a fun cabin in Island Park where we enjoyed waterfalls, river rafting, hiking, sleeping, campfires, and lots and lots of kids running around. Then we headed up to Yellowstone where we were able to enjoy the incredible sights of that park. We had a blast. One thing that I learned (or maybe just confirmed) is that I LOVE wildlife...from a distance... and in a car. If I don't have something between me and the bears...count me out!

After Mike's family reunion, we headed up to my parent's house where the fun continued. We spent hours in the pool and playing with cousins. The kids had fun on tractor rides, tie-dying, playing badminton , and roasting s'mores around the campfire. We also headed to Santa Rosa and Bodega Bay where we enjoyed the stinky sea weed and really fun tide pools. The kids loved finding all the little sea creatures. All in all, it was exactly what we (especially me) needed. Now back to reality...uhh, do I have to?


Big, fat, ugly Bison. These things were all over the place.

Sisterly love in front of a beautiful waterfall.

Okay, it's the first day and we're already tired of pictures. The landscape in Northern Idaho is absolutely breathtaking. The big tree kind of got in the way.

We had a great time at the Wolf/Grizzly discovery museum. Confirmed...enjoyable if massive animals are confined behind large fences.

Old Faithful.

Our fun cabin in Island Park.

Mike giving his first driving lesson.

Girls just hanging out in the hot tub. What's a vacation without a hot tub?

Hermit crabs in the tide pools. You can see he's starting to come out. What you don't see is that one second after this picture he was flat on his back on the sand. There was no way Kate was letting that little thing crawl on her.

Kara like the crabs crawling on her.

2 months

Today marked two months since our sweet little Avery's passing. We went up to the cemetery today as a family and put flowers on her headstone which was finally set about a week ago. It was overwhelming and completely surreal seeing our little girl's name on that piece of stone. The question that I get a lot is, "has it gotten any easier?" To that I answer...not at all...not for me. Mike and I have conversations about her daily, and for him, time has taken away a decent part of the pain. He still thinks about her often, and of course has his fair share of bad days, but he seems to be handling life pretty well from my perspective. Me on the other hand, I'm going to take a decent amount of work and I think a lot of time.

More than ever, I have a profound appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and for the restoration of the Priesthood. If I didn't have the knowledge of the Savior's Atonement and his promise of a resurrection, I think life would be so sad. There would be absolutely no hope. I don't know that I would find much to look forward to, and I think the pain of losing Avery would be unbearable if it weren't for the Priesthood and the sealing power that binds us together as a family for eternity. Because of the knowledge I have of those priceless gifts, the acute sting of Avery's passing has indeed subsided, and for that I am grateful (and functional for that matter). While the sting has settled, I still live everyday with a kind of numbness and a dull pain that seems to follow me everywhere I go. I still just kind of stick to my little familyand keep myself occupied with my girls so that people don't see the tears or sadness in my face. I could never have imagined the potency of the void in our home without her. Oh how I miss my baby girl and whish I could feel her little fingers wrapped around mine. I'm sure life will get easier when I am ready to let go of some of the pain, but I don't think I am quite yet. Having said that, I continue to look forward to the day where we can pick up where we left off. I know that day will come, probably not soon enough, but I know it will.

4th of July

It's so easy for holidays to come and go without ever thinking about their meaning. I am grateful though for the freedoms that we have. I am grateful for those who have sacrificed much, if not all, for the wonderful nation that I feel so blessed to live in. I am by no means oblivious to the fact that our current president seeks to take away much of our freedom, however, I am still grateful for the divine inspiration and foresight that our country is founded upon, and will be forever grateful for the simple freedoms we possess. That being said, we had a fun fourth of July.

Mike and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary on July 3rd. In these short six years, we have had so many good times together and so few bad. He makes me laugh all the time (if nothing else, at least a courtesy laugh) and he treats me better than I could ever deserve. He continues to inspire me to be a better person and with respect to our recent loss, I could never have asked for a better friend. He is my best friend. I've never had a better shoulder to cry on, and in my case, that is a daily occurrence. I am carrying a lot of baggage these days, and he is always there to pick up the slack. I would be a complete mess without him (I'm sure I am a big mess, but he keeps that to himself). I feel like the luckiest girl alive.

Thanks to my wonderful parents, Mike and I were able to go out to dinner, a movie, and a fun bike ride around the river...alone. It's SO much easier and pleasant to bike without towing an extra 55lbs. After our bike ride to kick off the 4th, and after I recorded over 2 of the 5 minutes of footage I had of Avery (once again, thank you to a forgiving and consoling husband), we played in the pool and spent a fun night with friends barbquing and lighting off fireworks. We also enjoyed the nice show of illegal fireworks the neighbors put on for us.

Our fun little pool that we use when we don't feel like going all the way (1/8 of a mile) to the clubhouse. I know, we're pathetic. Sometimes it takes longer to get the girls ready than it does actually playing at the pool.

Kate trying to write her name on the sidewalk. I was actually surprised Kate would even hold one but she actually had a great time.

As always, Kara loves whatever is going on.

Finally...something easy

So I've been trying to find things to occupy my time at home since I still don't feel like venturing out all the time. Kara's almost 2 1/2 so I thought I would potty train her. That's got to take at least 2 weeks right? Wrong. It took us all of a day and a half.

Grave-side

Here are some pictures from the grave-side after the memorial service. Thank you so much to all those who supported us through this whole ordeal. We're still trying to get through the weeks one day at a time. I still cry nearly every day. I was only blessed to be able to hold her for a few days of her life and she was only in our home for 4 days, however, I miss the sound of her cry and I still miss staying up all night with her, but I am grateful that I even had the small amount of time that I did. A lady once said how hard it was to be a mother of three. Then, after one of her children passed away, she said that it is so much harder to be a mother of only two. That's exactly how I feel...every day. Still, everyday I just tell myself to put my faith in my heavenly father and after that, I proceed to put one foot in front of the other. Thank goodness for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and thank goodness for my family.

Some semblance of normalcy

Acting and feeling normal sure doesn't come naturally these days...as I suspect it won't for some time yet. Socializing is still at the bottom of my to-do list, which is doing no favors for my girls, so we thought we would get out with our ward and go camping for a night. We actually had a good time.

They still think they're 19 but they fall down nearly every time they go for the ball. I don't think they realize that they're harder to take care of when they're hurt or sick than the kids.

It's amazing how throwing rocks and sticks can occupy a toddler's time for hours.

The girls had a blast throwing rocks in the stream and trying to catch the "sea creatures."

Kate and Kara enjoying their time around the camp fire. Both of these smiles are their "camera" smiles.

The girls and some of their friends.